Yesterday marked the year anniversary of my dad's death. In many ways it feels like just last week rather than last year, making me painfully aware of just how quickly time flies. When I look back at my posts here as well as my own journaling, I realize that time really is the overarching theme in my life right now, with the majority of my thoughts being about how I spend what time I have.
I am definitely one of those people that lives up to the rule of the more one has to do, the more one gets done. My personal dilemmas come when considering the list of things that I "have" to get done. I spend an enormous amount of time on prepping for teaching my classes. You would think after doing this for thirty years that I would not have to spend much time preparing, but each class is different and requires different things from me. And, I'd get terribly bored doing the same things over and over again year after year. Although, if I did that, it may make it feel like time wasn't passing so quickly! Hmmm...
For the first time, I am starting to think about what it might be like to retire, not because I don't like what I'm doing, but because there are so many other things that I would like to do and simply don't have the time. As it is, I function on minimal sleep, which I know is not good for me. Short of more hours in the day, I just can't do it all. Then I have to start making choices regarding which of the things I want to do can get done and which ones can''t. I don't like making these kinds of choices! As Weber will tell you, it frustrates me and makes me really grouchy.
I trust that the solution to my time issues will come with much serious soul searching. Everything will be as it should be when it should be. Hopefully this will happen while I still have time for all the things that at this moment are simmering on the back burner to actually come to a full boil.
Recently, I did take one step toward doing something that I have wanted to do for a long, long time and have kept putting off because of...TIME!
Ever since I took the first semester of music history some thirty five years ago I have been passionately in love with the music of the Renaissance. Sadly, the clarinet repertoire does not contain any such music:-) All through graduate school I played recorders and crumhorns in a Renaissance consort and loved every minute of it. Back then, I had this unrealistic dream of someday learning to play the lute. That certainly wasn't going to happen while I was getting my theory degrees, or raising two kids, or teaching, or...and the list of reasons goes on as has time. A few years ago I started thinking that learning to play the classical guitar was a more reasonable and perfectly acceptable alternative to learning to play the lute. Mostly that thought swam far below the surface of my everyday thoughts, bobbing its head above water only every now and then...until a few weeks ago when it started to do the survival float. It was right there on the surface all the time. I have learned never to ignore this kind of nagging thought. I did some research and ordered a guitar. It came in on Friday.
I am excited to learn how to play, but I think the important lesson for me here is to return to that state of being a beginner, taking everything slowly and carefully and appreciating every little accomplishment no matter how small. No longer does everything I do need to be about perfection or even being "good enough." It is about pursuing lifelong dreams before it is too late.
I have no desire to be a great guitar player. My goal is to simply be a happy person.
Peacefully playing
One at a time, a few notes.
Harmony will come.
KEB 10/17/15
